you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
