I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Your cock deserves a montage
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
