even my farts smell like vagina
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
