Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
she smelled like a LAN party
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
