No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
