come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
