Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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