I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
