I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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