Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
