Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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