Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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