Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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