dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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