FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
