I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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