after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
