you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Randomize
