he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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