The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
