I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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