omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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