I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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