He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
