Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
