I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
