you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
