There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Randomize
