is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
