I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize