Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
