mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
