Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
