by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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