Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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