kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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