I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
