your parents love me but you hate me
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
