He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
