its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
