you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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