i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
