News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
