1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
