I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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