I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
