I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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