I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
A bitchslap is in order.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
