I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's official drugs can't kill me
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
