It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
