The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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