Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
