Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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