Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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