my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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